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I sense the presence of two mighty heroes.
The first of you.... what is your name? <<textbox "$Kylername" "Sir Kyler">>
And... what is your class? <<textbox "$Kylerclass" "Level 15 HOO-shouter">>
<<linkreplace "Click me when you're sure" t8n>>Well met, $Kylername the $Kylerclass
Now, your partner. What is your name? <<textbox "$Maryname" "Lady Mary">>
And what is your class? <<textbox "$Maryclass" "Level 17 Baldrick Tamer">>
<<linkreplace "Click me when you're sure" t8n>>Well met, $Maryname the $Maryclass
Now... [[The adventure begins]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>Hello $Kylername the $Kylerclass and $Maryname the $Maryclass!
It was a dark and stormy night as your adventure began. You had just returned home after attending a delightful Christmas Eve homily provided by your favorite reverend, Father Psychosis. Just as you were considering tucking into bed, you heard a knock-knock-knock.
<<linkreplace "Open your front door" t8n>>There's nothing there - just an empty snowy street.
But then, you hear the knocking again. And it's coming from INSIDE YOUR CHIMNEY
[[What the heck?]] <</linkreplace>>You go to inspect your chimney, and find two giantic red pants sticking down the middle of it. A muffled voice emerges from above "Oh, thank goodness! You heard my distressed knocking. Please pull me down!"
<<linkreplace "Guess this is happening..." t8n>>[img[https://www.tribality.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/santa2.jpg]]
Santa Claus himself comes crashing down into your fireplace (causing Balrick to emerge from wherever he was hiding and zoom upstairs to find a better, less Santa crash-prone place to hide.)
After a futile attempt to dust himself off which just leads to your home being scattered with soot, Santa gives a cheery grin to both of you. "Well met, $Maryname the $Maryclass and $Kylername the $Kylerclass! I have been summoned from the Christmas dimension by the great wizard Dan to take you on a grand adventure.
Dan, who is standing next to you watching over your shoulder as you play this, waves as you turn to look at him.
Santa's hands begin to glow with the brightness of a thousand Christmas lights. "Be brave and true, adventurers, for at the end of this quest is a great treasure!
Also, be careful because if you sleep with a client in the game you lose your license in real life!"
[[Wait, hold o-]]
<</linkreplace>>Santa's hands flash, and you momentarily lose consciousness. When you come to, there is a faint taste of peppermint candy canes on your tongue.
<<linkreplace "Where are we?" t8n>><img src="https://fantasy.ambient-mixer.com/images_template/3/2/4/324461251a0e2073f06b04af5f7d51c5_full.jpg" width="75%">
You appear to be in a bustling fantasy tavern. A table next to you contains two orcs engaging in a lively game of mumbly peg, while the chairs near the fire are occupied by brooding elves staring morosely into the fire.
Looking down at yourself, you notice that you are loaded down with all of the equipment you would expect a $Kylerclass and $Maryclass to have.
Also because this is a fantasy, there is also a weight room in the corner of the tavern. Dan is there bench pressing 800 pounds while a throng of elven women look on admiringly
<<linkreplace "Order a mug of ale and raise it to Dan" t8n>><img src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/34/7e/77/347e77bae4b57c0ef428a62508384f25.jpg" width="50%" style="float: right;">The tavern keeper slides two frothy mugs over to you and looks at you with a practiced eye. "Adventurers, eh? I guess you'll be in town hunting for Santa's treasure. Rumor has it, the evil lord Wolfstick has stolen Santa's treasure and kept it in his dark tower. If you can defeat him, the treasure will be yours.
<<linkreplace "Ask for more information about evil lord Wolfstick" t8n>>The keeper's face drops to a whisper. "None have ever challenged him and survived."
Then his voice becomes normal again. "That's not because he kills people. It's just that nobody has ever challenged him. We're pretty lazy around here." <</linkreplace>>
<<linkreplace "Ask if he has any sidequests" t8n>>The tavern keeper informs you that a quest-giver will pay 10,000 gold pieces in exchange for a plate of tiny wieners. Dan waves from the weight room, where he has moved on to doing squats with two fawning princesses sitting on each side of the squat bar.<</linkreplace>>
<<linkreplace "Ask for directions to Wolfstick's tower" t8n>>The tavern keeper lets you know that Google Maps works here too.
[[Cool, on to the tower!]]
<<set $cat to 1>> You plug the address of the tower into Google Maps. But as you look at the local area, you notice there's a landmark - something called "Fat Cat." You ask a passing gnome and she says that it's basically just a fat cat who sits around. She starts to explain that there's no possible reason to visit it, but you're no longer listening because you've started running towards the address as fast as you can
[[AW LAWD HE COMIN|ONE HEAVY BOI]]You stand at the doorway to Lord Wolfstick's lair. Your quest is almost at its end.
<<linkreplace "I want to see the fat cat again" t8n>>Are you sure? You'll have to start over from the very beginning of the tower, and who knows if you will be able to overcome the challenges the second time. <<linkreplace "GIVE CHONKER" t8n>>Okay, fine, geez. [[See the fat cat again|ONE HEAVY BOI]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
<<linkreplace "Open the door" t8n>><img src="https://i.pinimg.com/474x/f5/c2/75/f5c2753ec271c079afc45c17eabfffaf--character-art-character-inspiration.jpg" width="50%" style="float: right;">You finally come face to face with the evil Lord Wolfstick!
And the evil Lord Wolfstick's wolf!
And the evil Lord Wolfstick's stick!
<<linkreplace "Use your greatest $Kylerclass ability" t8n>> You hit him with your most powerful $Kylerclass attack, but he just laughs.
<<linkreplace "Use your best $Maryclass weapon" t8n>>
You unsheathe your trusted weapon, given to you by your $Maryclass mentor just before you began your adventure, and charge Lord Wolfstick. He catches your attack with one hand, pries your weapon from your hand, and throws it out the window.
As defeat seems imminent, you notice something strange. Wolfstick's face never changes expression, and his eyes never blink. In fact, his face appears to be...a mask?
[[Pull off the mask!|Lord Wolfstick's True Identity]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><img src="https://i.imgur.com/KyS33OD.png" width="20%" style="float: right;">You proceed into the tower, but are stopped when Lord Wolfstick's most trusted henchman, the vaccine scientist, stands in your path, brandishing a vial full of autism.
"You'll never defeat me!" he proclaims
<<linkreplace "Defeat him" t8n>>You spend an enjoyable afternoon educating him on the importance of evidence-based decision making, how we know that research is trustworthy, and the vast swathe of evidence supporting the safety of vacciness. You also talk with him about the neurodiversity movement and why it's wrong to present an autism diagnosis as a terrible affliction.
It almost seems to be working, until.... HE MORPHS INTO HIS FINAL FORM
<<linkreplace "Hoo boy what now" t8n>>[img[http://partycity.scene7.com/is/image/PartyCity/P485030?wid=600&hei=600]]
Sonic stands before you. "You fools! You fell into my trap! Now you will be doomed, and mother's intuition cannot save you!" He begins to load a machine gun full of vaccine needles.
<<linkreplace "Tell Sonic he hasn't had a good game for like 20 years" t8n>>Sonic becomes tearful and starts to open up about his maladaptive schema in which his self-worth is based in his accomplishments, and how he started his quest to give the world autism because after his failures as a video game character he needed to be working on something to feel good about himself.
You provide evidence-based psychotherapy to Sonic, helping him to recognize his values and to gather his courage to move away from his accomplishment-based identity. He thanks you for being such a great therapist to him, and stands aside so you can confront lord Wolfstick
<<linkreplace "Sleep with Sonic" t8n>>No you fool! Remember, if you sleep with a client in the game, you lose your license in real life! <</linkreplace>>
[[Confront Lord Wolfstick|Lord Wolfstick]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><<if $cat === 2>> Wanted to see the cat again? I guess there's no shame in that.
<</if>><<if $cat > 2>> Seriously? You've already see the cat $cat times. But I guess whatever floats your boat.
<</if>>We're not here to waste your time. We know why you're here — you want to see the big fat cat.
<<linkreplace "Well here he is:" t8n>>
<img src="https://cdn.abcotvs.com/dip/images/3983672_081718-wabc-bruno-fat-cat-img1.jpg?w=1280&r=16:9" width="100%">
[[MEGA CHONKER|The base of the tower]] <</linkreplace>>
<img src="https://mir-s3-cdn-cf.behance.net/project_modules/max_1200/9d526056530635.59b20f821d34b.png" width="60%" style="float: right;">Lord Wolfstick's dragon appears to be a one-foot tall super buddy who is absolutely adorable and dresses up like an adventurer because he admires you and just basically wants you to appreciate him.
<<linkreplace "Awwww" t8n>> I know, right?<</linkreplace>>
<<linkreplace "Slay the dragon" t8n>> ABSOLUTELY NOT<</linkreplace>>
[[Pat the dragon on the head and proceed onwards into the tower|The scientist]]<<set $cat to $cat + 1>>
You leave the fat cat behind and trudge up the hill to Wolfstick's tower. It's surrounded by an impenetrable moat of a churning chemical substance so the only way in is the bridge.
Which is guarded by a dragon.
[[I want to see the fat cat again|ONE HEAVY BOI]]
<<linkreplace "I want to put my hand in the moat." t8n>>You realize you only get like, two hands, right? For the rest of your life? <<linkreplace "I don't care - I want to put my hand in the moat." t8n>> Okay, fine. You plunge your hand into the moat and are pleasantly surprised to find that your hand doesn't melt off or anything. Your hand is now covered with this chemical substance. <<linkreplace "Let's have a little lick" t8n>> Seriously? <<linkreplace "Yeah, why not?" t8n>> There are many, many, many reasons why not. <<linkreplace "But I wanna" t8n>> What do I know? I'm just the omniscient narrator. Please don't let me stop you. You take a small taste of the chemical and realize that it's meth.<<linkreplace " Take it instead of my bipolar meds and fight the ED staff" t8n>> Yes, brilliant idea. That goes perfectly and you experience no negative consequences whatsoever. <<linkreplace "Awesome" t8n>>
In unrelated news, your teeth are now itching, there are bugs under your skin, and the CIA is sending you booty calls through your power outlet. <<linkreplace "Exactly what I wanted!" t8n>> Well... enjoy I guess? <</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
[[Confront the dragon!|Dragon Battle]]As $Kylername the $Kylerclass holds Wolfstick's attention, $Maryname the $Maryclass dashes behind him and jumps on his back.
<<linkreplace "Pull off his mask!" t8n>>
You grip a loose flap of the mask and pull it free, then you gasp as Wolfstick's true identity is revealed. <<linkreplace "Who is it?" t8n>>
<<linkreplace "Doctor Bufford! What were you thinking?" t8n>>Dr. Bufford explains that he had been attempting to use a Dungeons and Dragons book so he could summon Satan and defeat him in single combat, but instead he opened a portal which sucked him into a fantasy role-playing adventure. He was assigned the class of "Radical behaviorist" which so offended him that he decided to become a villian and steal Santa's treasure.
But now that you are here, he sees the errors of his ways, and gives up his life of Santa-related crime. He offers you a golden key and points the way to Santa's treasure chest.
<<linkreplace "Ask Dr. Bufford what he plans to do now" t8n>> He explains that there are still a wide variety of non Santa-related crimes for him to commit. <</linkreplace>>
[[Take the key|Santa's Treasure]]
<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><img src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61q6HXfMs%2BL._SY450_.jpg" style="float: right;">With Santa's key held firmly in your hand, you walk up to the ultimate treasure chest.
<<linkreplace "I want to see the fat cat again" t8n>>SERIOUSLY???? <<linkreplace "H E A V Y B O I" t8n>>Have it your way![[See the fat cat again|ONE HEAVY BOI]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>
<<linkreplace "Open the treasure chest" t8n>>Inside the treasure chest is your friend Dan!
He says, "The real treasure is friendship!"
Then he says "But the even more real treasure is actual treasure! Let's go to my car to find it!"
You win! Thanks for playing
<<linkreplace "Watch the credits" t8n>>Writing: Daniel Wendler
Programming: Daniel Wendler
Graphic Design: Daniel Wendler
Concept: Daniel Wendler
Gameplay: Daniel Wendler
QA Testing: Daniel Wendler